Take This Moment

What happens in this moment, when you feel as though no one is there, or when the outsider looking in suddenly can see? How does one respond when she is sad or happy, and no one is there to cheer her on? I can't tell you. Whenever I'm in this moment, I think of my past ( the happy and sad moments) and I look to my future, but mostly I look at the boys and girls I go to school with. Most of the girls have boyfriends, and a majority of that group don't have their virginity. How would I know that? Because they told me, it's that simple. Other girls my age have their lives blocked by some insecurity that I can't seem to understand. I'm tough, and I don't let anyone bother me. This is because my future is very limited, only the people who I can enjoy will be there. This moment is different. I would call it a reflection of sorts (if you will). There is a boy at my school who has cuts on his arm, but he never wears a jacket and he doesn't try to hide it. Secretly, I admire that bravery. I could never be that bold, you would understand if you knew me. Everything that I feel is inside, and one day I WILL let it out, but no right now. I'm going to wait until I'm legal, and no one can hold me back. Back the the cutting boy. He's not attractive, or muscular, or tall....not even hmmm. But there is something about him that makes me look twice, in fact there are a lot of people that make me look twice, I really don't know how to describe them but they intrigue me almost like little pieces I get to put in a puzzle. In this moment I realize how amusing it is that I've met 5 suicidal kids in an early college, and all of them are white. That shouldn't be funny, but it is to me. these students, each and every one of them has told me a story, but it all came through their eyes...and scars. These physical indents on their body is a constant reminder as to why my life isn't so bad. I use them. That's right, I use their pain as a way to mask my own, because it's easier that why. My pain hasn't lead me to pain, I hate pain; physical, and emotional it's all the same to me. I can deal with it, although I'm not sure why. Taking this moment is so easy when I'm not focused on whoever is reading this post, but the person who is taking the time to get to know me, the real me. The person who smiles, laughs, cries, and sighs. Guess that makes me a human, ever so emotional. I always take the time to write down how I feel, is that weird? If I don't than I will forget what made me feel a certain way, or how. It isn't easy communicating with people when they aren't willing to listen to my truth, so I take these moments and enjoy the moments when I can say what I want, and not worry about whos going to read what I have to say. Goodnight!!!!