And so he wept

With ears to hear and eyes to see he wept. To know pain so early in life, wept. Why do parents make their kids feel like crap? 4 years and 5 months should be a happy time. He with a child-like innocence like no other must look into the eyes of a shrew. And so he wept. So loud his cries were, your ears would ring, but mine bleed. I am there. A comforter for his pain, because I am no stranger to the situation. How many times have looked outside with weary eyes, I've lost count. Now, he sits beside me and no words are spoken. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "The sun illuminates only the eye of man, but shines into the eye and heart of the child." It took me awhile to understand what Emerson meant, but when I see my little brother watching the sky and trees he looks happy and even peaceful. Everyday I wish to see that light in his eyes. I would rather cry than see tears fall down his face, and so I wept.

When is The Right Time to Lose Your Virginity?

Let me start off by saying that this is a difficult question to answer. Everyone is different, therefore when they are ready to have sex is also different. Some may be ready as early as 15, or 16 while others are ready much later in life from 18 to 21. The first thing that anyone should know is that timing is not the issue and it should not concern you; the important thing is how ready YOU are. No matter your age the body has to be ready, or developed. If your special sections are prepared for the actions then you'll probably know that now isn't the time. Mind set also plays a huge factor. If you are being pressured into having sex, than it is probably not you who wants to do it. There is no official way to excite yourself about sex, if you want it then you want it....if not than DO NOT DO IT. Peer pressure is not worth a possible baby, or worse...an STD. Learn everything you can about sex and the repercussions BEFORE you do it, you might learn something. Honestly, a baby is not the worst thing to happen to a teenager. All they do is keep you up at night, take your money, make people judge you and your child, whine, throw up/gag, etc. That's not bad, is it? As for the right time maybe you should focus on the right person before the actual timing. Choosing the right person can change a lot of things, will you love this person? will they love you? do any of you have a job (possible baby)? is he/she pressuring you? can either of you handle it (mentally/physically)? I'm sure that there are other questions, but that's all I can think of right now. All I have left to say is do you, if your ready than your ready. Don't let people pressure into doing something you might regret. Know all the facts before you do something that might change your life forever. Please practice safe sex, and do not have sext before 17 and 18. BYE;)

Love Circles

Everyone wishes that they had a partner they could be themselves around, love, or have fun with. I have no clue what the following girls want, but I have an idea. Love circles have always interested me because you never know how they are going to end up. You might hope that these girls learn a lesson and never cheat again, while some of you wish you could be them. First up is Blondie,  my favorite, and she is the girl next door. I would hope that anyone would know what the girl next door is; funny, smart, has more guy friends than girl ones, and is very sporty. Blondie, coming from a drama filled school, is obviously dramatic.She loves hard, fights hard, and cry even harder. Currently, she ids dating boyfriend number three and is very happy, but I know something he does not. Her first boyfriend, very nice and also sporty, was the one she lost her virginity to. Boyfriend number two, the creep, was the long relationship and committed type. Too bad the relationship ended, and he didn't catch the hint. This boy came over when she wasn't even home, and fought a losing battle. I liked him and I'll tell you why (persistence), if this boy tried this hard to get you back then I believe some props are in order, but stalking is illegal and he had to go. Next up was long time friend, who has had a crush on Blondie for a while, and they are close friends. They are so close that each one of her previous boyfriends including the current one are friends. Gotta love those love circles. The second girl, black hair, is a sweet girl and I love her personality. Problem is she has dated every single one of her boyfriend's friends. Keep in mind that that she is not a slut or any other foul name you can think of. If you met her then you would know that relationships are hard for her, and being Asian she really is only allowed to date fellow Asians, and neighborhoods are only so big.  Black hair is innocent to a fault and I think that if her boyfriend can overlook that minor detail then we should too. Their relationship is going strong and I couldn't be happier, neither could they. Last up is Brunette, who I don't like, so I will say this as unbiased as any writer can be. Her boyfriend, not attractive, is a nice and sweet boy. Brunette is very jealous, but that's because she used to be thick in elementary and middle school, so she is insecure. I get that. Now, my long time friend is Brunette's friend in high school. He of course is single and being his friend I encouraged him to get a girlfriend and stick with her. Brunette and my friend eat lunch together, joke, and walk to class late. That's awesome to me. Problem is she was seen making out with him, in secret, and three other people besides myself have witnessed it. Ouch! I wonder how her boyfriend feels, but I have the feeling that he doesn't know. Because it's none of my business and I love keeping secrets, I haven't VERBALLY told anyone, but things like this truly interest me, so I couldn't resist. Each girl is different from the other, including race. Although I like two out of the three, no one is the devils spawn in my eyes so I stay nice. My questions are; why is affection so important to teens? How can you be a jealous maniac when your the cheater? And do these boyfriends deserve to know the truth that our school hides? Stay tuned.

Dangers of Spending the Night

For some, making friends is hard. Unfortunately it applies to me. So when I had the chance to make a friend and let them spend the night, well,  I should have read the manual. You see people are different from each other, and that's to be expected, but this is...new to me. The first danger of course is meeting the parents. I've learned that some White parents secretly best their children, while other let them drink, smoke, and have sex. The second danger is their baggage. Scars you see, but don't comment on, or wild tendencies. The third danger is how they act around boys. I feel as though that is an obvious danger because some girls are "open." The fourth danger is sleeping arrangements. Bottom line I don't cave in about where and how I sleep, because if I can't have the right side of the bed, no cover needed, and two pillows then im good. There are more dangers, like texting throughout the night to different boys, but you have to worry about yourself because at the end of the day, your the one who has to make it home.

Take This Moment

What happens in this moment, when you feel as though no one is there, or when the outsider looking in suddenly can see? How does one respond when she is sad or happy, and no one is there to cheer her on? I can't tell you. Whenever I'm in this moment, I think of my past ( the happy and sad moments) and I look to my future, but mostly I look at the boys and girls I go to school with. Most of the girls have boyfriends, and a majority of that group don't have their virginity. How would I know that? Because they told me, it's that simple. Other girls my age have their lives blocked by some insecurity that I can't seem to understand. I'm tough, and I don't let anyone bother me. This is because my future is very limited, only the people who I can enjoy will be there. This moment is different. I would call it a reflection of sorts (if you will). There is a boy at my school who has cuts on his arm, but he never wears a jacket and he doesn't try to hide it. Secretly, I admire that bravery. I could never be that bold, you would understand if you knew me. Everything that I feel is inside, and one day I WILL let it out, but no right now. I'm going to wait until I'm legal, and no one can hold me back. Back the the cutting boy. He's not attractive, or muscular, or tall....not even hmmm. But there is something about him that makes me look twice, in fact there are a lot of people that make me look twice, I really don't know how to describe them but they intrigue me almost like little pieces I get to put in a puzzle. In this moment I realize how amusing it is that I've met 5 suicidal kids in an early college, and all of them are white. That shouldn't be funny, but it is to me. these students, each and every one of them has told me a story, but it all came through their eyes...and scars. These physical indents on their body is a constant reminder as to why my life isn't so bad. I use them. That's right, I use their pain as a way to mask my own, because it's easier that why. My pain hasn't lead me to pain, I hate pain; physical, and emotional it's all the same to me. I can deal with it, although I'm not sure why. Taking this moment is so easy when I'm not focused on whoever is reading this post, but the person who is taking the time to get to know me, the real me. The person who smiles, laughs, cries, and sighs. Guess that makes me a human, ever so emotional. I always take the time to write down how I feel, is that weird? If I don't than I will forget what made me feel a certain way, or how. It isn't easy communicating with people when they aren't willing to listen to my truth, so I take these moments and enjoy the moments when I can say what I want, and not worry about whos going to read what I have to say. Goodnight!!!!

Fantasy Life

Alice in Wonderland doesn't have anything on me. My dream consists of every book I have ever read. My idea of a fantasy life is getting out of my mothers household and going to college. Once in college I will have a well paying job, and save my paychecks to buy an apartment and possibly a job. However, that is not my fantasy life. It will consist of lessons-guitar, more Kung Fu, and dance. I want to learn more karate so that I can feel bad a**, dance because when I eventually go to the club I want to be a great dancer and show off some moves. I think playing the guitar is awesome. When I'm 20 I going to have a extensive amount of leather in my closet, don't ask me why. I read Sci-Fi to much. I dream of working hard, and making weird friends; a drunk, a partier, married w/o kids, and a busy body. Is that weird...to have a life already planned out in your mind, but you don't know how to make those things happen. I do. This life that I have imagined is one of many, and they all consist of being 1,000 miles away from where I am now. What kind of person am I? to be honest I really don't know, I've based my character on the future actions I want to take. Other fantasy lives I have imagined are less than realistic, and very creative. I've created scenarios of vampirism, lycanism, hybrids, witches (not really) magical more like, etc. Writers such as Larissa Ione, Stephanie Meyer, and Patricia Briggs have influenced the stories I have written. I imagine a life of writing. I really can't think of a life without it, who would I be if not a writer or a journalist? No one. Sometimes it is easier to imagine a life you can control, where any character is at your mercy and the outcomes can be changed. This life too unpredictable, that's why I fantasize about a different life, because this one can be disappointing.

Fair Weather Fans

 People who follow a trend, or way of thinking. I call them opportunists, and band wagon groupees. In case you still don't understand., a fair weather fan is someone follows a trend. At the same time, they only follow trends that other people follow. I hate fair weather fans. They think that if everyone does something, than they have to do it too. For example, being gay. I'm not, but every girl in my neighborhood is. That sounds weird doesn't it? EVERY GIRL IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD IS GAY. excluding me, of course. Since when has it been popular to be gay? Wasn't not to long ago that the same girls used to tease and bully them? I may not be a gay person, but that's doesn't seen right to me being gay is a way of life (for those people) not some trend that you can be down for one minute, but against in the next. What happens if those people decide not to be gay, and they dump their "partners?" That's cruel, just because you don't feel that way doesn't mean you can play with someone else's emotions. Other trends are less severe than that one; wearing skinny jeans, jeggings, snap backs, and twerking. Eventually, we all know that they will fade away and Miley Cyrus is going to something else crazy. When I think about band wagoning, I imagine a cliché, or a group of people who like the same things, and oppose people who don't. When this girl at my school, lets call her peaches, dyed her hair purplish in the front, but blonde in the back; everyone thought that was cute. When another girl did something similar she got talked about SO BAD, and all of her friends talked about her. Can you find the wagon? I was completely objective when it happened. Ok, I kind of thought she copied the girl. Sigh. I know you guys have your own opinions, so I'm take the block off if this post. Comment what you want, and lets get a conversation started;)

Growing up

I won't pretend to know what it means to fully grow up. But I know one thing; it's really hard. I know that in every other country kids have they're lives figured out. As though their lives have been mapped out for them. Not in America. There are too many directions, and not enough planning; forward, left, and right. How come we never get to go back?. You see, that's what sucks about this game we call life; there are never any second chances when you want them, and hardly enough when you need them. Growing up is hard. I often wonder what can I do that hasn't already been done before. Nothing, if I cant think of it. I want to be a writer; not because of spelling or grammar, which are very important, but because I like writing and typing. This blog isn't for anyone. I made it to type out the random thoughts that pop into my head, and maybe...just maybe it will make sense to anyone that isn't me. Its seems as though every kid in my school has a friend. I have friends, but the kind that you want to talk to everyday. That's my problem, I settle too much, because deep down inside I hate to be alone. That's apart of growing up, learning your faults and turning them into strengths. What is my strength? seeing people for who they truly are, I pay too much attention  to other people. Noticing everything, and missing nothing. Insecurities are the worst, and I feel like a creeper whenever I find someone's insecurity. that's why I write. To type what I'm to afraid to say out loud, Does that make me a coward? if so than I accept that as a flaw. I'm abrasive when I want to be, the amount of fights I've been in is impressive to some. The ideas I have floating in my head about religion, werewolves, vampires; are all new ideas, not brand new, but different interpretations of someone else's research. I guess growing up is something I haven't done yet, because I don't really have anything to look forward too, maybe I need someone to give a right shove or two....maybe three.

Thigh Gaps

I've always wondered, what makes girls happy. Being curvy? Busty? Skinny? And Thin? or it the self image displayed on TV that determines our happiness. I have been disturbed. Being skinny isn't enough, girls are now pining for thigh gaps. What are they? an advertised body image encouraging a wide space, that separates, the thighs. This gap, is more than just a space, its the beginning. Girls are becoming Weak individuals, who are easily influenced. Not to fear....if you have great self confidence. But what are we gonna do? stand by and watch the people we care about kill themselves; trying to be something they are not. I don't think so. Ladies, we need to fight what we see on TV and be ourselves. It's no that hard. Lets fight

Emotional Wreck

This may seem like a rant, and I apologize ahead of time, but I have no one to talk to, I'm tired of everyone. And everything. I have three tests, a quiz, and an essay due tomorrow. I have a selfish ass teacher who won't take down this Math XL bullshit, and I'm afraid of what my grade is going to be. I can't sleep, which sucks because I've been trying. My body is shutting down, I can't stop crying; this really sucks. Plus, my mom isn't answering the goddamn phone, I mean nothing can be THAT important, so what are you doing. ugh. I don't feel good, and right now I don't care about anything. My little brother needs to go to sleep because he's pissing me off. Honestly you guys I'm about two seconds from tossing this computer into the trash. I'm hungry. so random I know, but I want to eat then I guess I'm gonna have to cook it myself. This might be my first break down. I don't really talk about how I feel because there is NO ONE in my life that I can truly confide in, which sucks. Family sucks, sharing sucks, siblings suck, homework sucks.....you get it though. Goodnight, before I say something that I might regret, but would be 100% true.

Shitty First Drafts

     Recently, I read an article by Anne Lamott caled "Shitty Firsts Drafts." At first , I belived that she was talking about essays, but she wasn't I was wrong. She was talking about wrinting as a whole, and how all writers have crappy first drafts. Writers are their own critics, we tear our pieces apart day by day, so we don't need anyone (not friend or family) to tell us when our writing sucks. Up until now I thought that y ability to write was limited to the very journal I wrote this in. Now, I realize that all writers second guess themselves [when they start writing]. All this time I've been second gussing EVERYTHING that I've every written, crying, whining , complaing, and shouting (inwardly). Everyday that I dont write, my day is ruined. Confidence. That's what I need, that, and someone to read my work and saw "WOW!!! that sucks, but I know you can do better." Its funny how the thing you want aren't always what you need. A support system. Whenever I feel like crap, my writing is crap, but when I try to think positve, my writing is worse. I needed help. So I asked the most [brutally] honest boy that I know, and he tells told me exactly what I didn't want to hear. Later, I realzed that actually told me what I needde to hear, but I still didnt like it. So, here I am writing a shitty first draft, and loving every second of it.

Get In Where You Fit In

You know that feeling when your surrounded by a group of people, but you feel so alone. I'm looking around the room at each, and every face, but your the face I don't see. The face that haunts my dreams, the only person who knows me better than I know myself. Where are you? Like a ghost in the night, you fade with each passing moment, leaving me alone, and helpless. Where do I fit in? Am I a misfit? these question roam throughout my head day by day, and night by passing night. How is it that the people I call friends don't have anything in common with me but the same classes, and may be music. Words are the missing response to action., yet so many people do it. I crave to be around a group of people who won't judge, like to have fun, and just....get me. I'm not the shopping type, I don't like to complain about my parents or siblings...that's too personal. Sometimes separating myself from everything, and everyone is the only time that who I am isn't a play-by-play of someone else. Friendship should NOT be a competition, or charity work. If I want to hang out with you, that's just you, not your entire click. Where do I fit it? The person I used to be is fading, I can't find her, but when I look into your unyielding eyes I know where I should be....By your side, and no where else.

Dear No One

Dear  No One, I like being independent, not so much of an investment, no one to tell me what to do. I like being by myself, and entertaining someone else, no one to answer to...but sometimes I just want somebody to hold, someone to give me the jacket when I'm cold, we'll have that young love even when we're old. Yeah, sometimes I want to someone to hold my hand, pick me up, hold me close, and be my man, I will love you till the end. So if your out there, I swear to be good to you, but I'm done looking, for my future someone. Cause when the time is right, you'll be here, but for now I'm done looking. Dear No One, this is your love song. By Tori Kelley.